Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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