God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
