Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
