im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
