sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
