So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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