He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I want her autograph on my taint
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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