he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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