Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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