The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
