Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
