Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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