If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
