I love black thongs
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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