I only kidnapped one of them. chill
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
