you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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