I wish I could teleport
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
