I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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