A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
