Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The adults are the big ones right?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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