Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
