I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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