I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
