Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You have to summon your inner elephant
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
the liver wants what the liver wants
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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