The answer is no. Its an illegal search n seizure!
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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