someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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