So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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