Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I got inside last night via doggy door
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
