Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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