I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
