why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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