its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
