Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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