idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
