Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
