I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
