Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Shame - the story of my life.
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