i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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