I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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