Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
