Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
