If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
