i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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