Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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