So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
