i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Randomize
