Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
