I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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