you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
i now understand why vodka
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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