I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
