and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
