Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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