you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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