These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Hippo gnu deer
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
